The technical definition of a parent refers to the physical acts of conception and birth. If referencing only this definition, almost any post-pubescent male and female can become parents. However, a close relationship between a parent and their offspring frequently continues postpartum, which demonstrates that acting as a parent is more dimensional than the definition may show. While conception and birth is undoubtedly part of becoming a parent, the relationship between parents and offspring relies on an effort from the parents to maintain an emotional connection with and understanding of their children, and to communicate on their level.
Maintaining an emotional connection with children may seem like a daunting task or, the radical opposite, an extremely simple one. My parents believe they did and continue to do an excellent job fostering emotional ties with me, but I beg to differ. My mother and father never failed in going through the motions of asking me how my school day was, inquiring about relationships with my peers, and patting me on my back and crying with me when I was upset. However, they lacked when it came to understanding my opinions and accepting, if not embracing them.
Of course, three-year olds may not be able to adeptly form legitimate opinions, but if a child is old enough to research, form, and support their own thoughts, given that they are within legal and ethical boundaries, they are old enough to carry them out. While I understand that this may be hard for a parent and may seem contrary to the philosophy of parenting, from the eyes of a child, little stings more than being told your opinion is wrong. In my lifetime, several major battles have erupted between me and my parents, and I lost all of them.
The first of these battles dealt with religion, or, more specifically, my lack thereof. My parents are both immensely religious, and believe that the rest of the world should be as well. Although I have a strong Christian upbringing and spent most of my childhood in religious schools, around the seventh grade I began to feel a disconnect with the concept of God. While the idea of a divine being watching over me and a one way ticket to eternal paradise was appealing, it began to feel less like reality and more like Santa Claus. When I addressed this concern with my mother and informed her politely that I had no wish to attend any form of religious assembly, she retorted that under her roof I was obligated to share her opinion and that I would continue to appear at and participate in church services. Each Sunday, I begrudgingly chose a pre-approved outfit and sulked to my own personal hell. To this day my mother insists that I attend church on campus, a suggestion that I happily discard.
Another related instance yielded a similar outcome. Upon my return from a less than pleasant weekend of camping with my friends, my mother, in her sternest voice, called me into the family room for a discussion. After inconspicuously snooping online, she discovered my MySpace page, which she read extensively. On the page, she noted that I support gay marriage. Due to her intense involvement in the church, she refused to believe that homosexuality, and much less gay marriage, held up to her moral standards and questioned how I could love God while loving homosexuals. She then forbid me to see my two best friends, the first of whom is a lesbian and the second of whom is the daughter of a lesbian. Needless to say I was crushed, and resented the fact that I could do nothing about it.
The fact that my mother disagreed with my opinions is irrelevant; the bothersome truth is that she did not attempt to understand them. While parents may find it nearly impossible to accept that their children will eventually mature into adults, the process is inevitable, and with this maturation comes unique opinions and emotions. If a child’s opinions are repressed due to a parent’s small capacity for acceptance, they will either become a carbon copy of their parents, or feel little to no emotional attachment to their parents later in life. My old friend represents the former, while I tend towards the latter. Although in high school, Laila hung on each of her mother’s words without question, and allowed her mother to regulate both her academic and social life, although the mother had very few friends of her own. Now, Laila has no friends, no form of transportation other than her parents, and has only the ambition to become a mother. On the other hand, I listen to my parents’ opinions, but make my final decisions based on my beliefs and morals. I am also very apprehensive to share my thoughts and opinions with my parents due to fear of rejection. While the wish to keep a child close may seem like love, disregarding personal opinions and ostracizing all other aspects of a child’s life is less like love and more like a dictatorship. While parents are ultimately the authority until the offspring become legal adults, the parent can choose to be a democratic authority or a dictatorial one.
A boundary does exist between acceptance and condonation. Acceptance only requires a parent to understand and acknowledge a certain behavior or opinion but make no move to stop it. Condonation tends toward the embracement and approval of the behavior. While condonation is ideal in a parent-progeny relationship, at times only acceptance can be achieved.
A stable relationship between parents and children also necessitates communication on the level of the child. This communication does not involve “talking down”, but merely addressing matters in terms relevant to the offspring’s life at the time. For instance, explaining sex to a four year old in terms of pregnancy, sexually transmissible diseases, and love is not beneficial to the conversation. Instead, explaining it in terms of what is appropriate and what is not may be more useful, and often more productive. For a teenager, explaining sex in terms of pregnancy and diseases is often more helpful, and allows them to make their own informed decisions. The ability to communicate directly links to emotional openness; if a parent is not emotionally open, a child will not communicate and, in turn, could also become emotionally detached.
Although a parent’s job includes laying a moral and ethical framework for their offspring, their duties do not include strictly regulating thoughts and opinions, especially as a child develops. If a child never learns to think for themselves, a day may come when they are left unprepared to form logical and unique views. This not only threatens their ability to function as a member of society and a member of the academic community by inhibiting the creative thought process, but detriments social skills as well and causes individuals to appear dull, gullible, and unoriginal. Because of this, the relationship between a parent and child hinges on open emotional connection, acceptance, and understanding. Without the presence of these three traits, children may be emotionally helpless in their future, and may become resentful towards their parents.
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