Katie was misbehaving all morning. Her mom, Julie’s patience was now running thin, and it was time for her to do something about Katie’s inappropriate behavior. Before Julie was able to decide what to do, though, Katie burst into the room and began complaining to her mother about a problem she was having with a friend. Julie began to realize that Katie was extremely upset about the situation with her friend, and decided to first listen to Katie and allow her to emote, which will help make an emotional connection, before disciplining her for misbehaving.
As Katie began to complain about her friend, she noticed her mother was obviously perturbed but still seemed to feel comfortable enough to explain what she was feeling. As Julie listened, she made sure to maintain a neutral look on her face and make eye contact with Katie. Julie was sure to be sensitive to her own “non-verbal” communication cues with Katie. This way she would send the right “meta-message” along with healthy active listening skills to forge that emotional connection she was seeking.
Non-verbal communication can account for as much as 70%-80% of actual communication, if we consider the meta-messages a person receives. Meta-messages are the connection between words and non-verbal communication cues that convey actual meaning. If a parent’s non-verbal cues don’t match the words being expressed, children, as well as others, can become very confused. In every conversation there are words, and interpretation of those words, but it is the context in which words are expressed that determines the actual communication.
We express ourselves non-verbally with facial expressions, eye contact, body language and placement, voice tone, volume and rhythm. According to author Jean Illsley Clarke, “emotional meaning is expressed 55% by face, posture and gesture, 38% by tone of voice, and 7% by words.”
Non-verbal cues and messages can be extremely subtle and a person may not even be aware of how he or she is interpreting various non-verbal and verbal cues that are immediately blended and assesed by the mind to formulate messages and true meaning. Intentional healthy communication appreciates non-verbal as well as verbal messages. When communicating with a child, be aware of the meta-messages you may be sending.
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